As I take a look back on my life, I am under the impression that I am in the “Business of Sickness.”
WTF Does That Mean?
Well, the way I see it, everything I’ve had a vice with over the past 10-15 years has caused me to feel ill. When I was a child, I used to lie incessantly. I still lie to this day. I have since learned to try to control these urges to keep things secret, but it still makes me physically ill today when I am caught up in a lie.
I started using various substances in high school. Although I didn’t really drink much, I did get into other things. This lasted for a while, too long if you ask me. Now that I’m getting better, I’ve seen a HUGE difference in my well-being and overall outlook on life. I don’t generally feel sick anymore.
Now that I’ve been 6 months clean, I am finding out that I have, and have had for a long time, two other vices that took a backseat to the main disease of my addiction. And yes, these too make me feel sick when I am a victim to a craving.
Smoking cigarettes has haunted me for the past few years of my life. I had gone a few years without smoking directly after high school, but had fallen into it again when my addiction came back full force. Though I didn’t notice it when I was using, I’m now realizing that I’m really being eaten up by this unhealthy, and quite frankly stupid habit.
I’ve been trying to cut down and quit, but it does not seem to be working lately. Things like stress, peer influence, and an general malaise has caused me to keep coming back to the death sticks. Every time I light up a cigarette, I feel like an idiot, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
My last vice is food. I’ve been a member of the Weight Watchers program for more than a year now, and have lost about 30 pounds overall. Now, while I was in active addiction, it was very easy for me to go long periods of time without eating, as I had more pressing matters to attend to.
Now that I’m clean, I’m finding it harder and harder to resist the temptation of high-calorie foods. Whether out of boredom, or lack of self control, this is a very hard habit for me to break. And, of course, when I do eat way too much bad stuff, I not only gain weight, I also feel really cruddy afterward.
So, like I said, I feel lately that I’m in the “Business of Sickness.” I need to get out and exercise, and cut out the absolutely idiotic habit of smoking. This way, maybe, I can begin to lead a truly healthy life, and my mind will work in an optimal fashion.
Now where was that self control and motivation I lost? I know it’s around here somewhere.